Today
I tell my daughter the basics of sex, it is necessary for her to know all of
this before it is too late and she hears it from some stranger instead of her
own mother. She is 11 and she will attend middle school soon, she will listen
to her peers talk about relationships and the mysteries of sex. I need her to
know that she can ask me any questions or ask for advice without feeling
uncomfortable. I will ask her to sit in the living room sofa, I will have
printed out pictures of the uterus and vulva, and I will also have articles
from Planned Parenthood regarding various birth control methods and STD prevention.
I
expect her to giggle and make jokes to cover her insecurity of knowing too
little on this subject. I’ll start by asking her what she thinks she knows about
sex. I will listen and try to help her debunk some of the myths she has heard
about sex. I won’t lie to her and tell her that sex is something only done by
“mommies and daddies that love each other”. I will let her know that sex is
something various people around the world involve themselves in and that it is
something that requires absolute consent.
Sex without the presence of consent is rape. And she should let me or
anyone else who she may feel safe with know if she has ever experience such
trauma so they may take her to a nearby hospital, I will let her know that I
will always be here to love and support her.
She
should know that virginity is a concept made by men to oppress women by keeping
them “pure”, while men do as they please without repercussions of society
looking down on them for being more experienced in sex. She can’t lose her
virginity simply because there is nothing she will lose, her hymen may stretch
and expand with the size and friction but ultimately there is no cherry to pop.
I will go ahead and tell her that her first sexual experience should not hurt
or make her bleed, she should be lubricated enough for any entry into the
vagina. If the person who she is having
sex with doesn’t respect that and induces pain while ignoring any of her
requests she should immediately call off the situation and go far away from
that person.
I
will include that it is okay to have sex with anyone she wishes as long as she
is protected and there is clear communication involved. I will tell her that
sex is not necessarily scary and that it can be enjoyable as long as she
protects herself from sexually transmitted diseases. There are different
sexualities and she may soon figure out her own sexuality and what she is
attracted to. On the other hand I will say that if she is not comfortable with
ever having sex and she prefers to avoid sex completely, that is absolutely
normal and this is called asexuality. I will then open the floor and allow her
to freely ask me any questions.
Her
first question is, what is lubrication? I respond with lubrication is a type of
substance that can be naturally produced through the stimulation of the
clitoris and/or general vaginal area. Water based lubricants can be purchased
at various stores, they are the safest and she can use as much or as little as
she needs, whatever makes her comfortable.
Her
next question is, when is the right time to have sex? I answered, if she feels
ready and they both feel mature enough to consent and agree or disagree on what
sexual acts make each other comfortable or uncomfortable, then she may have
sex. I don't expect her to tell me when exactly she will have sex or who with,
but I would appreciate if she would let me supply her with condoms and allow
her to visit with a doctor for regular checkups. There are age of consent laws
and I expect her to respect them. They vary through each state, such as here in
Texas where the age of consent is 17 years old.
She
asked a couple more questions and before I let her go I told her to be critical
of the things she sees in movies and hears from people, everyone has different
experiences and she will probably not go through the same things as her
friends. Media fabricates a lot of things and sex is not always as glamorous as
it seems in films. I will hug her and give
her a cookie, she then goes and plays outside. Overall I’m glad I had this
conversation with her.
Dear Martha, I enjoyed your perspective on having "the talk" with your child. Although we have very different opinions on virginity and sexual relations, I respect your opinion and your open, honest approach to talking with your child. I have enjoyed getting different people's opinion on this topic from different backgrounds and age levels. When I talked with my two daughters, I also presented it in a very factual and physical way. I love the way you anticipated the questions, and are prepared to answer them. Thanks for sharing your blog with me, it was very educational. Amy Haverkamp
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honest post. I just had a baby girl recently and I'm already wondering how I will bring up this topic. Just like you, we love our children and we want to make this subject as comfortable to talk about as possible so they would continue to come to me for questions. I do have a different perspective on this topic and I have come across many different opinions that I find interesting.
ReplyDeleteI would like to clarify that I am a 19-year-old student and that I created this fictitious 11-year-old daughter for the sole purpose of this this assignment. There is no way I could have had a child when I was 8, I currently do not have any kids. Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your post. Although it is a work of fiction what made you decide to choose age 11 as a good time to have the "talk". I’m just curious because I have two young daughters and although I have thought about how and what I would say to them I am still unsure at what age would be best. I also liked how you mentioned talking to her about rape, which is something I had not even thought about.
ReplyDelete